Something different

How many times have I promised change on this blog and have failed to follow through? Not many times. This blog has allowed me to be free, and it has allowed me to look at myself and laugh. For instance, I look at my posts from two years ago and find it amusing to think that I could be so angry, trivial, pensive, insightful, and stupid... all in one post.

I've always felt comfortable putting words to paper, or in this case, typing out what I feel. I feel infinitely more articulate at expressing myself through this medium than any other form of communication. For example... how many big words (words with more than 5 letters) did I just use in that last sentence alone? I count seven. My tongue would have twisted after three.

So, here it is: my big plan. I am going to email him, and let it all out. Well, not all of it, but my feelings will no longer be confined to close friends and complete strangers that happen to peruse my blog on given days. I have an idea of what to say, but I have no idea what his email is. That may present a problem, but I'm determined to send this email.

This is an older, wiser Amanda who has lived two decades now. I've lived life passively, and on occassion things trickle down that make me happy, but for the most part I'm dissatisfied that not more things have come my way. But, I see now that I should change it up. I should make things happen rather than let things happen. I don't know how much longer I can live in the passenger's seat when I my future requires someone driven. It irritates me that I have known this all along and still have not acted on it.

So, this somewhat foolish attempt at taking charge is a monumental step of assertiveness for me. The success of this email (his reciprocation of my feelings) would not affect any future assertive actions on my part. Rather, his response will encourage me to continue on this track, because it gives me results. Sure, it is forced, but knowing is better than speculating. At least, that's what I'm projecting.

Besides, I'm cute. How could he not like me? =)