bye bye spring 2004 semester

How do you take your mind off the worst test you've ever taken? I did so horribly for that test-- SO SO HORRIBLY. I haven't been able to take my mind off of Kayla for the past few days-- should I have mentioned that? I hate using other people as my excuse for anything, but the thought of Kayla and her cancer really distracted me from everything else.

I wish I could be like that Jim Carrey character in that "Eternal Sunshine" movie and erase this thermo test from my brain. And, I might as well throw in the trash can all my hopes of getting into Med school. =/

Pensacola Junior College, here I come. It's not too late to become a beautician, is it??

Hopes

It's funny what people plan when they think they have forever. I have ridiculously high hopes that span decades-- but that's just me. Maybe if I'm bored one day, I'll map it out on the blog, but this is about Kayla's plans.

Kayla was on AIM today, so I chatted with her. I didn't come out and ask the obvious, but it turns out that she doesn't know about her terminal illness. I guess her parents want her to enjoy the rest of the school year. Ignorance is bliss, they say. I'd hate to see what happens once they tell her the news.

We chatted away about normal stuff. She's graduating in May, and they're going to throw a big party for little miss Valedictorian. She's stressing over finals. She's going to Six Flags Theme Park. She is not happy that she has to wear a uniform at her private high school. You know, normal stuff. In a few weeks when all is revealed, what would these plans be? I'm afraid to find out.

It just kills me each time I think about the answer. She's too young to be thinking about her own death. She's too innocent to stop hoping for an adult life, where she has a stable career and a good husband and children of her own. She had so much opportunities for her, but the cancer in her body is going to ravage her health, and it's going to make her wish things that a thirteen year-old shouldn't even contemplate. They say tragedy brings people together, and maybe our Filipino community in SA was growing apart, but why something so drastic happening to someone so pure?

too young

I've known Kayla since the day she was born. Her brother is godchild to my father, so I'm kinda her godsister. But to be honest, I've lived so far away and hardly had any contact with her that I could call us close. But, back in the days when I still called myself "San Antonian," I would see her once a week. Her family threw alot of parties at their house, so we'd all hang out.

Kayla is four or five years younger than I am. I was the old one of the whole group (our Filipino group)-- I was about two years older than the other kids I played with. Kayla was in the same sort of predicament-- she did not have kids of her age to play with. I tried including her in some of our activities (the old kids' group), but she turned to hanging out with the younger kids. Mind you, the younger kids were born in '94. I'm sure it was frustrating for her to be left out of our activities, and I tried to include her in everything we did, but the other girls would complain that she was a tagalong or something. I made this plea to Kristine, my best friend, before I left SA in '99. "Please make Kayla cool."

Kayla was born to an unemployed father and an overworked mother. She never had the chance to go on family outings or family vacations because of her parents' situations. I'm sure she realized her economic situation early, because she is a smart girl, and maybe that was the reason she was so introverted when it came to the rest of us. We became so materialistic (the girls in our Filipino group). When I went to an SA party last December, all of us had a designer purse and cellphones. Kayla, who was in the middle of her 8th grade year, was playing with the elementary schoolers. So much for my plea.

Also, when I was in SA, My family took out Tito Boy and his kids and Tito Gil and his kids to dinner at the Marriot. Kayla, daughter to the latter Tito, hardly ate a thing. She didn't seem okay to me, and I guess that's because she hardly kept a conversation with anyone. I tried talking to her about her brother and school, but her responses were very brief, so I stopped asking questions.

Yesterday, the proverbial bomb dropped on Tita Gil, Tita Juliet, and Kevin (her father, mother, and older brother). Kayla has had a bony mass in her ribs, which they've known about for a while. Kayla became concerned when she watched a program about cancer, and so this past week they went to the doctor, and a biopsy was taken to see what the mass could be. The results: Osteosarcoma, which has metastasized throughout the rest of her body. Within five minutes of this news, they had to weigh her options with chemo and surgery.

Someone in my school also had a bone marrow cancer. He was in remission, but then the cancer came back and chemo was not enough to treat him the second time around. He died in my senior year. Suffice to say, my thoughts of her survival have not been positive.

A few moments of procrastination before gettin' down and dirty w ith physics

I only begin to notice how much I really want to change the layout of my blog right before I have to start studying, and changing my blog beats out the fundamentals of electromagnetism any day. It's most likely because I start perusing other people's blogs and realize that mine is very plain. Not like anyone reads it though =p

I bought a no-name brand packet of caffeine pills, because I anticipate sleeping very little over the next 36 hours. $1.29-- not a bad deal. I'm afraid to open it, though. I hope nothing bad happens!!

Spurs: last night's win vs. Memphis was too close for comfort. Next time, win by 20, not by 3.

Lastly: it cost me $24 for gas! Outrageous!! Death to the OPEC cartel!!!

Misplaced ambitions

I see so many people these days that don't know what they want to be. People to the left and the right of me are changing majors and altering childhood dreams because they just now realize the difficulty of the path that lies before them. One friend of mine had the goal of becoming a dentist, but soon decided against it when she realized that physics was not an easy course. She has changed her major once already, and is already dissatisfied with her current major. She is committed to a job in the medical field, and she aims high, though she does not quite understand what she is committing herself to until she is at least a semester into her courseload.

She laughs at her friends that resort to lesser-respected degrees, yet she is headed in the same direction. As for me, I try to encourage personal growth in any shape or form, and if a demanding degree inhibits you, then let it go. Know yourself before you choose your major-- that's the best advice I could give an incoming college student. Some people prefer practicallity of a degree over the learning experience, while others want a deeper their understanding of a subject rather than monetary gain. Personally, I admire those who choose the latter path, because thes are the people who will survive-- more so than those who rationalize their educational track-- because they will excel in whatever they choose, and they will satisfied knowing that they are doing what they love.

Here's what I figure about myself:

I love challenges, and I love helping people.

I face complex and stressful situations with a smile on my face and the thought that once everything is over, I will still be smiling.

I couldn't live without a song being stuck in my head at any moment in time.

People continually fascinate me, and I like to think that I truly learn a little more about humanity with each person that I encounter, whether it be my professor, my classmate, my roommate, or my busdriver.

I am a show off, and I am unsettled with the thought that there are people who are doing better than I am-- academically, finiancially, etc.

I am on earth to do my own will, and not anyone else's.

I don't quite know if I'm suited for the path I have chosen for myself, but I'm committed to seeing it through to the end.

Eat dinner with roommates-- drama may ensue

We had a farawell dinner tonight at Bonefish Grill (seared ahi tuna-- delish!). One of the ppl that worked there was an acquaintence of mine. We hung out for a few hours (through mutual friend Ginny). What I got out of the experience: his apartment is messy, his name is Donald, and he had a girlfriend with the same name as mine.

Anyway, the only thing that really stuck to my memory at dinner was his messy apartment, and his name rhymed w/ onald (was it Donald, or Ronald???) I only recognized him when he came around the table. He started up a convo w/ me (and then I found out his name was Donald, again); the roommates became excited w/ the prospect of a male talking w/ me. So excited that they gave him my phone #.

I have no opinion insofar concerning Donald, other than he's got a messy apartment, but I'm afraid now of these Korean people. Donald is Korean (forgot to mention that before) and I met him in Ginny's church Bible study (also Justin's). It was fairly easy to interpret Brigette's and Adriane's intentions to handing out my phone #, but what if those intentions are mistaken as my own, and what happens if people find out that my roommates wanted to pick him up for me?? I can only imagine the stares I would get from the Korean ppl. I didn't do anything, I promise!!!! I don't intend on anything between Donald and myself, and I respect his relationship w/ Amy too much to interfere (although Brigette seems to think that he was a bit too eager to get that #-- then again, we can't really trust Brigette's judgement when it comes to guys). What have my roommates gotten me into? What made them think they could take it upon themselves to hook me up with random people? I don't need a boyfriend or male attention to make me happy!-- they can't get that through their boy-obsessed skulls.

I have this fear now that I'll be castrated from the Korean ppl. =(

Other than that...

I am the proud owner of a sparkly hulahoop, muchas gracias Frankie, el novio de Brigette.
If I weren't taking allergy medication, I'd probably be sneezing it up from the Spurs Sweeping Grizzlies (Ahhh-CHoooo!)
I'm officially a gmail-ed! email me at missdiego@gmail.com! ^_^

Love songs...

Probably the only real reason that I would want a boyfriend right now is so that I can sing love songs with a person in mind. Even the ones about heartache-- I want a boyfriend whom I will love despite his leaving me for my best friend... or something like that. Love songs and songs of heartache are just so pretty, and I have no one to sing about, or someone to sing to me. Or!-- we can do a duet, like Aladdin and Princess Jasmine sang

A Whole New World

But, what I would love the most is if a guy would sing me those classic songs like

on the street where you live

or

til there was you

I would feel like

the luckiest girl in the world

if I could have a guy sing songs like that. I love old-time love songs because they just seem more sincere and pure-intentioned than these songs today.

There was love all around, but I never heard it singing.
No I never heard it at all, 'til there was you.

William Hung: Asian-American triumph or travesty?

My family has a little Yahoo Group, and my extremely liberally-minded cousin posted this link:

http://www.villagevoice.com/issues/0414/ng.php

I'll spare you the extra reading: the link explains how William Hung is a setback to Asian acceptance in White America. I do see the points made in the article-- excellent points, may I add-- but I think it all stems back to jealousy. Really, who wouldn't want to be William Hung right now? Being a Star Search Reject myself, I would gladly take his place with his CD and tons of adoring fans. And, he has such a great attitude. Sure, it's a stereotypical Asian attitude that many want to distance themselves from (and rightly so, because if people think you're too obliging, they'll walk all over you), but let's not just see this as a setback for Asian people. Why can't we see this as a rare reward for humility, perseverence, and gratitude? This man, who is butt ugly and can't sing a note to save his own life, gave his all in that performance, despite negative feedback. He is the epitome of everything un-American Idol, and his Inspiration is now topping charts. Admittedly, he probably wouldn't have faired well at all had Simon Cowell told him to just go away rather than to give his trademark speech, "You are the worst singer I've heard in all the world...."

And okay, so he is Asian. So are Jackie Chan and Yao Ming. We don't rag on them for being stereotypical. We don't tell Jackie Chan to stop doing his kung fu/karate movies because it makes out all Asians to know the martial arts-- most Asian Americans would label Jackie Chan as their favorite actor. We don't tell Yao Ming to retaliate on Shaq's continual racist attacks of "Ching chong wing wang mu shu"-- we revere Yao as the better man because he doesn't let himself be held down by petty things. Probably the difference between them and Hung is that they give Asian Americans a tougher image, while Hung is a pansy who likes Ricky Martin songs.

And so Hung didn't retaliate upon rejection as countless other American Idol wannabes had; I think there's distension among the Asian community because he is capitalizing on having no singing talent whatsoever. He was offered a record contract; it's not as if he would say, "no thank you. You can keep your millions of dollars, and I'll continue being a chemical engineer."

Then there are those who blame the system who built him up like this. I will nod my head to this, but I also can't help but let out a smirk on how funny the situation is. You can't hate the man for fitting a stereotype to the T, but you can hate the system that paid him a truckload of money to be their little Asian court jester And you can censure people from proliferating the idea that we tried to surpress all these years-- that Asians are more than just grinning, bowing geeks that eat rice all day long. Certainly, the next time I pass by UF's Chemical Engineering building I'll think that those Chinese guys who smoke and chat right outside the building have a William Hung in them, waiting to bust out at the karaoke bar. Okay, I'll stop here for now.

Brrr.... it's so cold!

Florida needs to wise up and realize that it's April. So, why is it fifty degrees right now?! I'm sure Democrats would blame this on President Bush if they could, because they're pinning about everything else on him right now. I'm a very politically minded person, so please excuse any random Republican outbursts from me.

I'm currently sipping on some Slimfast and pigging out on peanuts before my physics class that begins forty minutes past ten (attempting alliteration-- did it work?). But, there is a looming dread hanging over me-- chemistry. I need a B+ desperately in this class, but my unimpressive test results from last night has put extra weight on the final test next saturday. I need to ace the final to ensure a B+.

And now I just received displeasuring news from my teacher's thermodynamics website-- I got a B on my test! True, I had not studied for the test, and I still don't understand concepts, but nevertheless, it's a travesty!!!! I need redemption!!

What do I do now?

Easter Sunday ended Lenten Season for 2004. THe problem now is that I have all this chocolate and candy sweet foods around me that I want to eat all at once. Eating it will most likely increase my waistline, but I have suffered 47 days without anything! I'm hoping that fiber and slimfast can carry me through these difficult times.

Anyway, the binding theme for this weekend was don't plan on a thing and let things happen to you, and surely things happened this weekend. My Ate Anabelle from Chicago called me up and told me that she and the kids were coming down for Spring Break, and that they might drop by on Friday; also, I planned to meet with her at Clearwater on Easter Sunday. But, Good Friday came and went without a phone call from Ate Ana; however, my Ate Beth did call me and tell me to take Ate Ana's words cum granum salis. Ate Beth also received similar notification from Ate Ana, and then Ate Ana never showed up. My father, in addition, told me not to plan anything around Ate Ana since she hardly ever holds her word. And so, I thought nothing more of it, and I found my weekend totally blank.

I then received a surprise phone call from a long lost friend. Ginny called me up and invited me to go to Bible study with her (the same Bible study that studious ssholong Justin attends). I said yes, and she picked me up , and she and her friend John and I all rode the same car to the Korean Baptist Church. A car ride with John was excrutiating. He was obnoxious and complained about most everything. I hate it when people you just met moan and whine about things. My message to those people is: Shut up!-- a person whom you just met thirty seconds ago is not going to care about your problems.

Anyway, this Bible study lasted about 4 hours long! It was fun, and i did win a prize for participating in a skit about one of Jesus' miracles (feeding 2000 with five loaves of bread and two fish). I was a hungry Filipino FOB working a flea market, and Jesus was the Chinese man from Mad TV. I was using my sparse Tagalog vocabulary to the best of my abilities ("aaaah, gutom nako, I'm so hungry.... sakit ni estomago ko, my stomach aches!") but then I think it didn't translate too well with the Korean crowd. But, whatever. The prize will be awarded to me at the next Bible study. So, now I know how they work-- they try to bribe newcomers into coming back. AHA! =P

After the skit thing, we sat around a bonfire for 45 minutes or so and talked about how great God is. For the most part, I was staring at the fire flickering about, but I do remember one part of what they had talked about. "We want to be LOGs-- Lovers Of God. Like these logs in the fire, they are worthless, but when the fire of God fills them, then they are useful." I could have come up with something more profound than that; I hate faulty metaphors. Firstly, logs are not useless-- if they were, then lumber companies would be nonexistant. Log cabins provided shelter for settlers and Abraham Lincoln; logs provide wood for tables, chairs, other furniture; a raft made of logs helped Gilligan and his pals get off that durn island (same with Tom Hanks and his volleyball buddy Wilson); Jesus was nailed on two logs bound in with string. Logs are no more useless than the ocean is. And, I don't see the act of burning logs as particularly useful. For a time, you are provided warmth, but after that the log is no longer useful at all-- it's becomes ash that you have to sweep up. It is a waste of energy-- the heat produced from its burning is mostly lost into the atmosphere, and the carbon dioxide given off only contributes to global warming. Instead--- our lives are like logs. We can chose to make something beautiful and meaningful, or something useful and beneficial, or something powerful and destructive, or we can chuck it in the woodchipper-- our choice. God granted us the ability to do what we want, and we should remember that. I thought of all this while watching the flames dance around the superheated logs.

Ginny and I had a late dinner at McDonalds, in which we had a meaningful discussion about boyfriends. She was very inquisitive of my current situation, and she asked certain questions that made me wonder of her intent with my answers. But anyway, we went to University Commons afterwards and played pool, and then we went to her friend's apartment and watched Matrix 3-- whatever its title was. That was a loooooong movie, and at 2 in the morning, I was not particularly willing to understand it.

Saturday started off slowly. I cleaned my room and took a shower, and Ate Ana calls me up and tells me that she's 20 minutes from Gainesville, and after the phonecall, I was extremely pleased with the luck of my room being clean and my smelling sweet, especially for all the hugs I had given within the first twenty minutes of their arrival. She invited me to Clearwater, and I said, "YES!"

We spent much of Sunday in the car, in traffic, on the road, and so on and so on. The beach was cold and dreary, and then it turned to rainy, cold, and dreary. We went to Orlando that very night, and that was another long drive. We met up with Ate Ana's half bro Joe, and he treated us to an extremely late dinner at TGI Friday's. Good stuff, Great times!

I got up and drove back to Gainesville at 7:30, after I had told everyone the night before that I would be waking up at 3:30 and leaving then. I made it back to Gainesville at 9. I went to class at 10:40, and I never felt more confused in my life. What contributed to my worn-out brain was that I arrived an hour into my class. Whoops! Luckily, I will be able to drop the grade from today's lab because we're allowed one drop grade.

And one last piece of physics news: I made a 6 on my Test! whoooo hooo!!!! Some other stupid kids cheated on the test. I've seen this happen before my very eyes, so I'm wondering if I should report these people or what. I won't get anything out of it, but I love reporting people on these things.

Monday Reflection

My Observations: people going to and from classes, the sun shining like it had never shone before, and everyone wearing sweaters because of the cold front that came in last night. Everything is normal-- nothing extraordinary about today.

Good Friday is only a few days away. Sometimes, when I look up into the sky, which was probably just as blue on the last Monday before his execution, I wonder what Jesus must have thought as he was walking around, knowing that by the end of the week he would die. And not just die, but have the whole world practically foresake Him and make a spectacle of his crucifixion. How could He walk around Monday, among the normalcy of that day, without the imminence of his death affecting him? How could he still dine with the disciples whom he knew would let him down? How could he still preach God's Word to the people who would later chant "Crucify HIM!" to Pilate? And, how could he remain loyal to a God who fated Him to die for the sins of the entire world?

The thought of His love and devotion makes me feel so unworthy of everything He bestowed. And, as much as I keep having these revalations on the strength of His love, I still do my will rather than God's. I do what I want, and I knowingly sin. I have faith in God and Jesus and the Word, but sometimes I take the perspective of a world without an eternal paradise after death. And then, I wonder if I believe in God because it's easier to believe in Him after all these years rather than to dismiss my Christianity. I do not deserve any of His love not just because I sin, but because I entertain the notion that God does not exist.

Daylight Savings Time screwed with my schedule!

I should be doing homework right now, but whatever:

Let's Call You a Silver Digger:You don't weigh a man's appeal only on his income but you've never been known to turn down a free dinner. does this make you sleezy? Not at all! Just make sure not to miss out on your dream guy... Income brackets can change

You Are A Professional Girlfriend: You are the perfect girlfriend - big surprise! Heaven knows you've had enough practice. That's why you're a total pro. If there was an Emily Post of girlfriends, it would be you. You know how to act in every situation ... to make both you and your guy happy.

Considering I've never been a girlfriend before (and most likely will not be for a long while), that is extremely depressing news to me. But Silver Digger... that's funny. =)

What a cowinkydink

Finally lent has ended!! However, Holy Week has begun, so much more fasting. I did treat myself to cookies and chocolate and ice cream-- all very yummy. =) Anyway, today is Palm Sunday, and in church today they handed out palms and the Gospel today covered Luke's rendition of Christ's Passion. But before I continue, I'm going to backtrack to Friday's events, and then explain what happened today.

Justin invited me to go to his Korean Baptist Church's Bible Study on Friday night, and I asked Mary to tagalong. When we got there, we sang about 5 contemporary worship songs (complete with a guitar, drumset, and lots of handclapping), and the speaker tried to convince us that adult (not infant) baptism was the only real baptism, "although I don't mean to offend anyone of different religions, and I don't mean to get every one to be baptized again." He had me question Catholic tradition for a bit, but then I did my own little Bible research and remain unconvinced, and I still intend on baptizing my future children when they are babies. =)

Yesterday, my Dad called me concerning my new goddaughter Carmen Rose and her Christening (I'm sure the Baptists reading this are rolling their eyes right about now). The date will be sometime in August (she'll be 6 months old by then, I think), and I am just too excited for words! I hope that there are no terrorrists on my plane from Orlando to Oregon. That would suck. Then again, why would a terrorrist be on a plane to Oregon?

And today during mass, they talked about children being baptized. Also we sang a song and started clapping along to the beat, and Mary, who was sitting beside me in the pew, looked at me in exasperation. "It's just like Friday night," she said exasperatingly. I happen to like the word exasperate, and I hope to use it in every possible form. exasperated, exasperatable, exasperating, exasperator.... okay, back to the subject. She was annoyed in the fed up sort of way. I wonder what sign God is sending to me with all this Baptism and handclapping stuff.

A world of idiots and jerks

There are two types of people: idiots and jerks. Idiots are those who are too trusting, and jerks are those who take advantage of idiots. One is ignorant to human nature, and the other is ignorant to human feelings.

Last night, Veldana, Safiye, Nasim, and I all went to a party of one of Veldana's closest friends, Nina. We left our coats and purses in her bedroom, and we partied in the living room. The party was hoppin'. I spent half of my time there being sandwiched between two hot Argentinian basketball players, grinding and all that. You know, good clean fun =) But, we were idiots: Veldana, Safiye, Nasim, and I.

Nina's room had a bathroom, and people would pass through her room to get to the bathroom. We don't know when the room was left unattended, but someone entered, saw the unattended purses, and took Vel's and Nasim's, and then he opened Safiye's purse and removed her wallet and keys. Luckily, I had concealed my purse under my jacket. If it had been stolen, that would have been my cell phone, my dorm keys, my $300 bebe designer prescription glasses, and my credit card. I was extremely fortunate that night, but I still couldn't help but feel horrible for my not-so-lucky friends. The feeling of getting their things stolen was overshadowed with the feeling of having to tell their parents what happened.

I have seen this sort of thing happen before, but I just keep being careless with my things. Idiots make themselves vulnerable for these situations that are totally avoidable and unnecessary. I don't know if I'll completely change from this experience, but I'll be more cautious. I don't want to be the idiot anymore.