I feel like typing... not doing calculus, so i'm going to make another post.

Do you know that feeling where your head is feeling to heavy to be supported by your neck, and there are 100-pound weights hanging off your eyelashes? Yeeaah... that's me right now. And, i'm not feeling too social. I can't even handle chatting online w/ my buddies right now. Being drained of energy, that's what it is. My cousin Mia recommended eating breakfast. I would, but that would require me getting up at 4 am. I don't think so.
I used to think I was a morning person, and then i went to college. It's not that I'm dazed or cranky or irritable in the mornings--- I try not to be. I always put my best face in front of others. I guess that's why i feel drained now. Can't someone be an "all-day" person? That's what I aspire to be-- someone who is fully competent in all hours of the day. But, I think i'm more like a bedtime person. I like snuggling in my nicely-made bed and reading Sense and Sensibility. I like it when I'm under my down comforter, warm and toasty, while it's fifty degrees in my room. I like how my pillow conforms to the shape of my head. This is when I feel my best.

Okay, back to Calculus

Melissa! Rest in Peace, akin magandang pinsan.

still miss you...

I hope God forgives the murderer who took my cousin's future from her, because I never will.

I have had a decent day today. I chatted with my friend Ryan, which was a nice chat. I haven't seen him since last May. Once I come back from Chicago we should do something together. Anyway, I had calculus, intro to bio engineering, physics, social dance, and intro to bio engineering lab. I approached my teachers and had to tell them about my cousin and that i was going to her funeral... yeah, my dad said he got me a ticket, but now he's not going, which i will get into later... but the teachers were all pretty sympathetic, so not bad. And, I don't think i'll have too much to catch up, which is not at all bad. SO, during calc, my cell phone rang. It was my mom. I turned off the ringer, but moments later i dashed out of the room to call back my mom to see what it was about. She said I was leaving WEdnesday morning from the O-town airport. My friend lavell tells me later on that Dr. Park was like "i do not want you having cell phones in class ringing..." Ha, I don't care, but i wrote a sorry note anyway. I did tell him that my cousin had just died, so I'm sure he didn't mind too much. I just feel bad that i disrupted his class.
In my intro to bio engineering class, which I shall henceforth call dr. Leary's class, it was nice and short, and that, among other things, is why I love Dr. Leary!
In physics, my teacher was trying to show us what friction is. boring...
In social dance, dinielle and I talked made a astute observation: it's the not so cute guys that know how to dance and lead, and we'd rather dance with them rather than the cute atheletes that don't know what they're doing. Isn't that sad? But, umm... oh, my teacher won't take 5% off my grade for my absence, which is good. Evelyn hugged me, which i thought was sweet of her. I think if we end up rooming together next fall, she'd be a nice roomnate. But, I don't know what's going down yet. I just look forward to being her friend.
In Dr. Leary's lab class, it was sooo boring... It was about precusion agriculture... basically, intelligent farming techniques. haha. Did i sign up for this major?? It was interesting, but not my thing, you know.
Anyway, on the bus ride home, I saw my clac 1 TA from two semesters ago. He recognized me too. He even remember's my name, which i was just amazed and happ. Things like that make my day. We were talking... mostly i was telling him how I've been doing, and he was commenting. He gave me the name of a Diff EQ TA that was very pretty... I asked him for the name of a hott male TA, but he didn't know. Ah well...
My friend Jessica invited me to a sorority dance-off thing, if she has enough room in her car for me. I'll definitely go if she does! so much to look forward to.

Okay, as for my dad... he never wanted to go to Chicago but he was originally going to catch a plane there, and he got angry with me yesterday when i started crying about not being able to go. Then he gave the ultimadum: Either I go or he goes. I of course said that he should go because he should be there for his brother. I was just overemotional yesterday, so i was crying. I do believe though I had the right to cry. I was feeling down. My dad later calls me up and says that I will be going. He made the decision for me. He believes I have a greater emotional attachment. I'll admit that I do, but I don't think I should be going in place of him. I don't know... It's just complicated, but I'm going. So, I'll be the best help I can possibly be for my family.
I just hope that Tito Elie doesn't get upset that my dad decided not to go. I mean, maybe it's just me, but doesn't this sort of thing sound like one of those things that causes family rifts??? Okay... that's all for today.

My cousin died yesterday. She was the passenger in a car that ran a red light. Her neck snapped. She was nineteen.

I received this news around 9 am, while i had just put my laundry into the washing machine and was enjoying a bowl of cheerios. My mom called me on the phone and started off by saying "I hate to be the one to break this to you..."

Melissa and I were close growing up. We were practically joined at the hip whenever we were together. I suppose we got along so well together because we were about the same age. Though we were separated by a thousand miles, we would write each other letters about school, friends, and life. We'd always tell each other how much we missed one another and how we hoped for the day when we could be reunited. Then over time, we stopped writing letters, and my family stopped taking road trips to Chicago. Life got busy for the both of us.

I'd hear news about her now and then. She's running cross country. She got a boyfriend. She got a job and is helping out her mother. She's living in an apartment with her friends. She's attending the University of Illinois at Chicago. She's majoring in business, and she wants to be in telecommunications. She's living a good life. My mother kept me updated whenever she'd talk with one of my father's sisters who live in Chicago-- usually my Tita Carmen. Everytime I heard news of her, I felt happy for her, but at the same time I wished that I could have been around to see her. I knew that she was there for me when I needed her, and she knew the same of me, but we never really kept in touch.

I think it was fear or rejection that kept me distanced from her. Since I heard all these things about her, she must have been so busy, and I didn't want to intrude on her. Or, I didn't want to feel let down when I would never receive a response in the mail from the letter I sent out a week ago. I don't know what it was. I regret now that I ever felt such fears, because it kept me from truly knowing her.

I cried all day yesterday. I didn't have the comfort of family around me because i'm in gainesville, but I have good roommates who take care of me. It's a relief that I'm not alone right now. I went to church, to find solace. There was a UF/UT football game yesterday, so the streets were packed with people enjoying themselves-- hardly a good time to be in search of solace, but I managed to get to church anyway. After seeing me cry, one of the workers there at the church, a young Latino man, called a priest for me. I didn't ask him to, and I didn't expect a priest to be there anyway, but he did. THe priest came, and he seemed a bit aloof to me... he didn't offer me any real relief for my soul. It was only after he left and I prayed that I stopped my sobbing and felt better. I saw the priest again today for mass. He gave an inspiring homily, but I felt that he rushed me in receiving the communion bread. I'm just happier to have met that nice young Latino man yesterday than i was to see the priest.

Anyway, I've had many realizations yesterday, and I thought that I'd be done with my crying today. But then my dad called... I can't go to Chicago for the funeral. I bawled for a good 45 minutes. My dad doesn't want to go, but he feels it's his duty to be there for his brother.

I'll never know her again. I'll never see her again. And I know all this stuff: she's in heaven, she's with her grandparents. My dad became frustrated with me for crying on the phone. I know we can't afford a ticket from Gainesville to Chicago, but I can't reason my way out of emotions. I can't say to myself, "okay then, i'll mourn at a more financially opportune time." I know I should pray for strength. I've been praying. I just feel like crying. I miss my cousin, I miss Melissa. I hate the fact that the last time I talked to her was in the spring. I hate the fact that the last time we saw each other was two years ago. I wish I could say goodbye to her. I wish I could have told her how much i love her, despite the fact that we barely see each other.

Isn't it funny though... I have probably not met her more than ten times in my life, and I hold her so close to my heart. I am happy that we were related to each other.

I have to make a few resolutions here and now: I will no longer be what I was up until Friday. That Amanda is gone. I don't know what will become of me, but I know I that I'm not the same.

So, it's my second year here in gainesville... I'm surprised I still have this blog, to be honest. I figured they delete inactive accounts after a while. Anyway, UF is great. I feel more active than I've ever been, and although i complain i'm stressed all the time, I truly enjoy the feeling of being busy. I'm sure that will account for many stress-related illnesses later on in life, but for now i'm content. I just wish there were more hours in the day, really, so that i could finish everything i want.

Yesterday night my roommates made teased me about my friend from high school, Lavell. The thing is, Lavell is a good buddy. He is nice, simple, silly-- a good friend. He tends to push the limit, which I can't stand. I just don't like when ppl try to mess with me. Messing with someone shows a lack of respect, in my opinion. And, I could not ever get that close with someone who disrespects like that. I mean, casual little messing around is fine, but when it deals with a person's beliefs or core values, that's something else. And, Lavell claims he's accepting and all for diversity and wants to see all points of view, but he is just as hypocritical and judgemental as everyone else. I'd rather have someone who accepts that common trait uniting all people than someone who lives ignorantly. I can tell that when i tell him how i've been raised and what i believe i should and should not do, he is criticizing me. In my view, college is meant for study... my roomates would tell me that this is a point in my life to have fun and be rebellious. Lavell would tell me to lighten up and have fun, and he'd be thinking that my parents have brainwashed me.

Perhaps they did brainwash me. It's just, I believe you can have fun in college, but the number one main priority in my college life is to learn how to think as a bio engineer/pre-med student/adult. Experiences inside as well as outside of class mold people's perception of things. But, what reflects on the career world is what you know. And, I'm making an effort to learn everything. I know my limitations through my cousins' experiences. My cousins have lived lives similar to my own. When they were out on their own, they chose to live their own life and make their own mistakes, rather than listening to my aunts and uncles. Currently, my cousins don't have much to show for themselves except much regret and confusion.

I'm lucky that I've had my cousins lead the way, and I'm lucky to have such overprotective parents (though i would never admit to the latter outside of this blog). I have always known what to do as far as long term goals, and I know what and what not to do. This is probably the thing I'm most assured in, other than my religion.