a week in review

Thanksgiving was very disappointing. I yearn for the day-long parties, the childhood friends, the lechon--- but those seem to not exist in Pensacola. The family ended up going to Village Inn (of all places) and eating lunch. Afterwards, I played Sims, dad watched football, mom went to work. Thanksgiving was uneventful.

The day after, however, was great shopping, great family bonding. In short, my sis and I spent $300 between us. Now, we have to live in poverty the rest of our days. Plus, I got hit on by many guys, which I think was because of the New York Yankees beenie. I love my beenie soooo much!

But, overall, this past week has not been my week, for the following reasons:

-- The Spurs lost to the Lakers by 25-or-so points
-- The Spurs lost to Golden State
-- Gators lost to FSU
-- gained weight from copious amounts of food (I just can't say no)
-- I did no homework
-- my rooms (both dorm and home) are in shambles
-- The bio design project that my whole grade rides on is currently not working. It is currently nonexistent.
-- My car got backed into
-- I can at best get a C in Calculus
-- Sara is sleeping with Richard again

There are many others, but I'm just too tired to complain, and I have lots of calc homework to do.

Somewhere in the Bible it says that we shouldn't let our hearts be weighed with the anxieties of the world, and we should let tomorrow come as a surprise. So, my whole lifestyle is practically in conflict with the Bible. Maybe that's why nothing seems to be going my way.

Dateline Gainesville, Florida:
Amy Diego, UF college student, was coming out of the McDonald's on Archer Road when a chocolate brown cadillac rear-ended her and drove off. She was left feeling distraught and confused as the cadillac passenger proceeded in giving her a dirty look and giving her the bird.

"They messed with the wrong Filipina," Amy later said, after she composed herself. She was able to record the license plate number, and she plans to go to the authorities with the matter.

recap of today

A bomb filled with cow manure exploded in my face today, figuratively speaking. I made a 58 out of 100 on my calc test. What's more-- I got a 5 out of 8 on my extra credit. This may be paranoia talking, but I don't think Park likes me. So far I have a 71% in that class. I'm teetering between low C and high D. I will just die if I get another D...

In Physics, I have a 71% as well, but that's a B by physics standards, which makes me very happy. I anticipate making greater than a 10 on my final. If I make greater than a 12, I think I might even get a B+!

Today in dance class we learned nothing new, which was great fun. But, if I have to shout "2, 3, 4" one more time, I'll have to kill someone.


So, today I got my hair did! All thanks to Adriane

I'm a smart girl, and I got all the physics homework done inside an hour. Jess was able to meet over at the dorm, so we went through the lab together. Load of crap, but we got it done. It's just amazing how much she and I have in common-- she likes Pride an Prejudice, I like Pride and Prejudice; she loves Disney movies, I love Disney Movies; She chose Bio Engineering for pre-med, as did I, but she's smarter and decided to drop it while I'm still in it.

Ma called me up an hour ago: she watched Love Actually... and, she said she hated Love Actually, actually. She could not get over the porno scene... I should have anticipated that, and I don't know why I didn't. Despite that portion, I thought the rest of it was quite good.

Couldn't wait for the movie to come out...

So what else could happen but my worst expectations? I ended up not doing physics homework, but reading the rest of the Harry Potter book. Great book, but I'm now screwed. I don't know how i'll manage answering those questions before 1 am, and I dont know how i'll be able to drive home tomorrow. Hopefully lots of coffee will do the trick.

Someone call 911!

My happiness has just been shot in the face and put through a wood chipper. I made a 4/8 on my physics test. The test I thought I'd get more than 5 on. So, my official physics test average is a 50%. Someone help me. Speaking of which, I just found out that I have homework questions due on sunday. I haven't even looked at them yet, and I didn't bring the solutions manual. So, this is the plan for saturday:

Play tennis
Eat Lunch
Do homework until mental breakdown

I figure, I can do as much as I can, and then whatever homework I can't do I'll be back by 6pm Sunday so that I can see what questions I did get wrong. There is one thing crucial to this plan working: I have to do the homework tomorrow. If I put it off until Sunday, I'm screwed.

Did I mention I hate physics?

"Love Actually" ended up being sold out, so Kat and I bought tix to "Cat in the Hat"... and we ended up seeing "Love Actually" anyway. The movie was so cute and adorable (even the porno filming scenes). What is it with Brits and having their movies around Christmas? The thing about having a sold out theatre is, that not all the seats are actually occupied. When we got there, the whole front row was unoccupied. Of course, it was the front row, and who in their right minds woud sit in the front row? We did. I occupied two seats in fact. I raised the arm/drinkholder, and I sprawled myself out on those two seats, and I used the armrest on my right to rest my head. It ended up being a good movie experience. My sis and I also managed to smuggle in some Wendy's.

Latebreaking News from Brigette: Johnae ends up taking her dishes and silverwear home, on account that one of her dishes broke. I wasn't there, so it wasn't I. Brigette says she didn't. I think Adriane broke it when she was washing them (possibly). Frankly, it doesn't matter to me. True, I did prefer her silverwear to Brigette's, but I hardly ever use her dishes. I never felt comfortable using her dishes, and now I see that I was better off. I don't know if that was the most appropriate action to take for the sake of our roommate thing going on, and it was probably in the best interest of her dishes. All I know is, someone broke my mug. And I want to be paid a dollar! The thing is, someone keeps breaking thee things and no one confesses. We signed a contract saying that whoever breaks it pays for it, so I want the dollar or my mug, ad the three dollars for my winnie-the-pooh clip magnet.

So, I woke up late, and I ended up leaving at noon. I got there at 3:30-ish, which was totally fine. Pa was surprised. Seeing the family was great. The 'rents and i watched "Runaway Jury," which I thought was an awesome movie, and I just love John Cusack.

So, today pa and I went all over the place, and it was so much fun. I got my favorite scent out of it-- J'adore! Life is good.

At 7:35, we'll be seeing "Love Actually." Life is very good.

Good Day

Good days and bad days all depend on outlook. Horrible things can happen-- worlds may fall apart, the unexpected may become a reality, or you could be living out your worst nightmare. But even when it's not a good day, as long as I have at least one thing, one glimmering, shining piece of hope, then I can't call it a bad day. Sure, I may be in a bad mood, but hope will carry me through.

So, today was a good day. I mean, it was a REALLY good day. I felt as if I accomplished alot (excluding calculus, physics, or bio engineering design). I arrived to class late, but I still managed to catch the whole of a presentation by one of Dr. Leary's former students. Her presentationg reaffirmed my decision in wanting to be an engineer major. And, I didn't need the umbrella when i went out. It seems as though that rain was the worst of it. Around noon it was overcast and extremely windy. Then at 1 the sky was without a single cloud. Florida weather is truly something else.

At dance class, I arrived and noticed that not alot of people were there. I sat and talked with the other people in my group, and then Caserta started class. Girls went on one side, and guys on the other, as usual. Then Caserta made some comment on how empty the floor looked without the two-credit class. The thought didn't quite register in my head then... Then, we started doing advanced-level swing moves, which I was struggling in, and I turn to Devanshi and ask, "is this supposed to be three-credit only?"

"Yes."

Craaap. And, just then, Caserta announces that he wants a partner to dance with. And, guess which lucky lady he chose... double crap.

I reply meeky, "I'm two-credit."

He asks me what I was doing there, and I claimed ignorance. It turns out that he announced on Monday (during the first forty minutes that I wasn't there) that three-credit students were to meet, and the two-credit students could come thirty minutes later. So he released me, and I went walking.

I went to the Reitz. They were offering free flu shots there, so I took advantage of it. Then I went to the store to look at what to buy my father for his birthday. The prices were exorbitant (one sweatshirt- $44, one tee shirt- $14, dad's face when he sees me tomorrow afternoon- priceless). I didn't buy anything there, but I kept the prices in mind, and I walked back to class.

In social dance, I was still feeling embarrassed over what happened thirty minutes ago, but whatever. Our dance group got together (minus Kathryn) and we worked on the dancing. It went well-- there was virtually no conflict. Caserta even worked out our main pattern for us, which was simply awesome. And, I have the feeling Andy is digging me, just for the fact that every so often he keeps looking back at me. ^_^

After that, I went sweatshirt searching. I went up and down University to look for a good gift for my dad. I ended up buying him a $60 sweatshirt. Wearing that sweatshirt is like being wrapped in clouds. It is that comfortable.

Anyway, this is the plan for tomorrow: Go to volunteering at eight and stay until 9. Go to physics discussion, then go back to Shands and sign out. Get on the bus, head straight for my car, and go back to p-cola. That means I'm leaving at 11, so I'll probably be there by 4. Actually, that's 3 pm CST. Then: Surprise, daddy! What a great plan. Now, let's see how everything goes down.

I'm supposed to be at calculus right now, but it was raining very hard outside, and i couldn't find my umbrella. Who am I to mess around with mother nature?

And then Johnae said, "why don't you just wear a trash bag over your head?"

Yeah, that may be fine in the ghetto (obviously from which you came) but this is Gainesville, sweetie, and I'm not some piece of FOB foreign trash that you just tie up in a bag and dispose. I borrowed Brigette's extra umbrella instead. Too bad it isn't raining anymore though.

Anyway, I gotta get to class soon and turn in my super-easy Bio Engineering take-home test!

No, I haven't done any homework in the past two days; no, I haven't done anything but search the web for the last few hours. Not good.

Oink Oink

I ate so much today, I'm a freakin' pig: my waist increased by 4 inches in an hour with all the pigging out I did. Well, gotta starve myself for 4 days now....

My physics lab took forever to do. My partner was so denser than lead. But, we managed to get everything done, so not too bad.

In calculus, I do absolutely nothing. I just sit there and do everyhting else except for calculus. I can't wait for the end of the semester: I just want to stop going to class now.

We also had an official dance class meeting at 7:30 in the Florida Gym. Now that was something. It was basically discord between the choreographers and the music people. I, being a music person and unable to handle that sort of animosity, am playing both sides. I'll let those who have problems work it out, and I'll just chat with everyone. I am Switzerland.

Okay, first: I felt so confident coming out of that calculus test. Whooo!! yay! I deserve happiness every once in a while. ^_^ I don't think I'll get an A, but a B or high C.

Dr. Leary ended Bio Engineering class early, so Jess and I went to physics. I did absolutely nothing except a crossword puzzle. I am such a bum.

Afterwards, Michael let me crash in his dorm for an hour and a half, and I got to watch thirty minutes of AMC. Then, I went to dance class which I thought started at 2. It started at 1, and I arrived thirty minutes late. Whoops.

Someday I'll really need to approach Andy and start something going, but I'm just naturally inclined to initiate or accept contact like that. I wish they could teach a class on stuff like this.

Now, I got so much homework to do before thursday that it isn't funny. =(

I hope 9:35am never comes... I have studied for calculus at least 5 hours nonstop. Well, I exagerate, but I've practically studied all day today. That test better be an A tomorrow!

So, I went to the football field with Brigette to pick up her Aleve, and I meet Will's friend-- I think his name is Glenn?? He's 23, and he's got a kid. Regardless, he shamelessly persisted on asking me out. Even though I would never give him that sort of consideration, he's a nice and funny guy. And, his attentions gives me hope and added esteem. ^_^

I planned on studying all day. Mary wanted to come along, so I invited her. The thing about studying is, it's not a good thing to do when two people aren't studying the smae thing.

So, up until 12 I was okay with the studying. I got lots of stuff done, but I kept looking over my shoulder, and I felt kinda like she wasn't as into it as I was. Then, after lunch, I decided to stay at home and study, and she studied too. She would make calls on her cell phone, or go back and forth on my computer, and then later on she turned on the tv. It's a little disconcerting when someone who says they're gonna study with you does NOT study. I got little studying done from all the distraction. And, she kept asking about the DATs and Dental school. It kinda pissed me off that she asked the same questions over and over, and all I could say was "I don't know because I'm not a dental student. Go to an advisor."

Moral of the story: Mary is a good person, but it's better off to study alone.

Gainesville in November is awesome! The weather is always perfect. It's sunny and cloudless. It gets cold, but I can forgive it. Where else in the world can you wear a jacket and pants one hour, and a tank top and shorts the next?

Last night was so cold. I wonder how carrie ann's camping trip went. I'd like to go camping sometime, as long as it's not too hot, not cold, not overnight, not near dirt, and not near rabid animals. Oh, and I'd better have some sort of toilet and shower access or all hell would break loose.

feeling dirty and awful

What an awful night! The Spurs lost to the sixers 100-96! And, I missed it! I know that if I had stayed at home to watch the game, they would have won. I should have stayed at home! Then, at least I wouldn't have opaid $20 for a meal that I didn't finish, and get spanked in front of oogling physics guys. Those guys are smart, and I'm sure they're funny and quirky in their own ways, but they wre just unappealing to me. And I basically kept to myself the entire night because they seemed to keep the convo about things I had no opinion of. Overall though, they're decent guys. I'm just pissed off that the spurs lost. And, now I have studying in the morning to look forward to. What an exciting life I lead-- Don't you envy being me?

I am finally breaking in the new Tims I got in July. I be balllin' fosheazy! If sum foo' be hatin' and try to mess up my Tims, I'll bust im/er up so bad dat da cops won't even haf teeth 'n dental rekurds 2 go on.

posted by: miz diego's 2-hott-fo-ya ghetto booty.

I wrote a song!

I wrote a song during my calc class. I was supposed to be learning, but when true inspiration comes, you just gotta go with it! Okay, just for future reference, I don't know what really inspired this song. It just came out.

Peter Pan

In my dreams
you and I are soaring across the sky
Passing the sun, the moon, the stars
Heading straight into morning light
Hand in hand
we reach Never-never Land
You stole my breath and took me far away

I have never lived
'til the day that I met you
I never could have hoped for something more
And now I'm glad
you're here right by my side
You came and gave me life
Peter Pan

You took me
to a place I'd never been before
We explored the dark, dark caves inside my soul
You discovered things
I spent my whole life searching for
You shined new light and drove away all the darkness

I have never lived
'til the day that I met you
I never could have hoped for something more
And now I'm glad
you're here right by my side
You came and shined your light
You came and gave me life

You are the happy ending
that I thought would never ever exist
You have made my world sublime
And even though I know I'll have to wake up eventually
I'll wake up knowing that you're mine

I have never lived
'til the day that I met you
I never could have hoped for something more
And now I'm glad
you're here right by my side
You came and gave me life
Peter Pan

I think it would go perfectly with some dance/techno music. ^_^

My day went ____. It just went, really. I signed up for classes. My schedule: I'm taking thermo, bio, chem, physics, and 17th century poetry. I really don't want that one, but I'd rather sign up for soemthing right now and change it later.

i'm feelin' faint...

The swing is my newest fave dance! Today, we learned a cuddle move, and luckily I got to cuddle into two really cute guys. However, right after the cuddle, you go into a walk away and spin, and I just can't seem to remember that part, for some odd reason ^.~

Physics: I have one thing to say-- ew. The test wasn't horrible, but it wasn't great. I don't see myself getting an 8/8. I however, don't anticipate anything below 5/8. I hope it works out. Lord, let it work out.

All that spinning and going without food has got me hungry. I'm gonna eat and watch soaps now. It's moments like these that you just gotta take up, unwind, and enjoy.

I've been up since 4:30, studying physics.

Happily, I think I know everything! Sadly, I won't be sure of that until after I take the test. I took the test from last year posted online, and I was unsure on a few questions, but for the most part I would have figured it out if I didn't have the solutions right in front of me. All thanks to the physics goddess, Layla. =)

I am soooo bored right now. I finally went to Rogers Hall to study. It is great! I definitely should come here more often. It's out of the way, but I got alot of things done here. And, I like how after I'm done I can fool around on the computer (like what I'm doing right now).

My first class is Calculus-- 9:35 am. I have no idea what's going on in that class, it's not even funny. Could someone spare me a clue? Ever since Jessica dropped out of it, I have had no will to even go, yet academic duty must prevail. I need to befriend one of the smart people in that class. I know Tyler, but he sits all the way on the other side of the room. Speaking of which, I should ask him if he wants to study together before the test.

Ever since my PDA fell victim to my carelessness, I've been so discombobulated. I have no direction now. =( I'm desperately over-dependent on that thing.

Could I become anymore apathetic to my situation?

I am totally uncaring about physics right now. There's a physics test tomorrow, and I have practically all day to study. But, I haven't even touched the book today. I'll be reading this after I get my report card saying I got a D in physics, and I bet the future me would love to ring the present me's neck-- if that makes any sense whatsoever. As for calculus: I tried doing it this morning, but I am more scared than ever. I completed the homework, but I barely understood it to begin with. Why has math diverted from the use of numbers completely? This can't be math; I like math. This has to be all the devil's work. I hate calculus.

In three weeks, the fall semester ends. I don't know whether to be happy that it's all coming to an end, or to be worried about my grades. Right now, I'm not really feeling anything towards academics. Now, that's apathy.

***

Today is such a beautiful day. I can't get over how perfect the weather is outside. There are fluffy white clouds and blue skies, a crisp breeze, and the sun is shining like the first time. Yesterday's weather was like the end of the world, but today is fresh and new. Today is promising. Actually, I enjoyed yesterday's weather also. I'm one of those people who like overcast and semi-chilly weather. Don't ask me why-- I have a hard time explaining it myself. But, I do love fall weather most out of all the other seasons.

I"ll be getting together with Veldana and Layla later to do some mad cramming on physics. That'll hopefully put my butt back on track for the upcoming physics test.

PS: Someone-- Anyone! test out the new chatterbox I put in.

I am a physics retard

i could only get a 75% at best on my homework. And on top of that: I missed the review session for the test on wednesday.

SO, nothing spectacular happened today. and i'll have to wake up early tomorrow and do some essential study time. Maybe i'll go to Rogers and study there tomorrow. I don't know how I'll be getting there though, considering the busses won't run tomorrow on account of the Veteran's Day holiday. I think I'll just park in a nearby area there. Ewan ko...

Jessica was practically beaming today: her stepfather has a treatable cancer (which is way better than what they expected), and she has a new boyfriend (who is really buff, from what i hear). If I were her, I'd be running down the streets and announcing to the world.

The perks of Health Academy: being able to brag about being able to take pulses and perform other medical assistant's duties.

A weekend with Sara

Just to update, I was not taken in... I think. I don't know, and i don't want to think about it. Hanging out with Sara was great! She's so thin and pretty, I'm so jealous! I want to have her body-- clothes look perfect on her! I kept thinking she should try modeling or acting or something, rather than taking nursing!

So, I said everything that needed to be said without raising suspicion of Carlo's having told me anything. I deserve a pat on the back! I hope she listened to what I said. She agreed with what I had to say, but I don't know if she'll follow through with me being so far away. Hopefully she'll call me up and update me.

I ought to call Carlo and tell him what went down. That's not betraying Sara, is it? I mean, he's only concerned for her, which is my reason for telling him. She didn't tell me not to tell him, anyway.

Now, here's the ever popular bad news / good news section, according to Amy:

bad news: Spurs freakin' lost against the Mavs! We're 3-4! We suck!!! grr...

good news: I may have sent a subtle message to Jarett to make him visit more often. ^_^

Ready to shout

I have truly been played last night, and I was so foolish in believing a word that girl told me. I should have seen the signs-- she called from Richard's phone last night, and her headlight blew out. I saw it as coincidence, but she contrived the lie. She made me believee it to be the truth.

Let the truth be told:
Sara never left Pensacola last night. Carlo's friend spotted her at Richard's place at 10 pm. 10 pm (11 EST) is around the time that she called me up from Richard's phone to say that she was at Tallahassee with the broken headlight. My friends and I were waiting for her to call up any minute saying she was there, and then we could go out. Brigette and Kari saw Sara's true nature before I did. They got pissed off at Sara, whom they don't even know, while I said, "oh well." They are good friends to me.

I don't know how I got so attached to Sara. She has been a friendly person to me, and I've been a sort of confidant for her. So, with everything I tell her, I felt for her and her situation and circumstance. And, she told me everything because she wanted me, her friend, to know. That's how we really connected in high school, I guess.

But now, she's lying to Carlo and me and to all the others who cared for her. She knows what she's doing is not right, because she's lying about it. She wouldn't dare destruct her reputation or standing with us with news from her that she's laying at Richard's bed every night. She's no longer the naive, mousy Sara who befriended me in sophomore year of high school. Richard corrupted her. He's going to hurt her too, and she doesn't want to see that. She'd rather tell herself that he's making love to her, despite her knowledge of the other girls. She thinks he's changed.

I think he's changed too. I never could have believed that he could be this cruel and stupid and selfish. He's already got some kind of STD (genital warts, I think), and it'll only escalate from there. He is screwing some girl every night. ::note, the rest of what I'm writing is a recollection just for me, so it may be anachronistic:: Carlo first introduced Richard and Sara on a blind date. He intended for Richard to go out w/ Leah, but Sara nad Richard hit it off. So, they started talking with each other, and she told to him everything. SHe fell completely for him. Around that time, he still had a girlfriend. She knew he was messing around, and she confronted him with it and said it was over. He and his girlfriend still stayed together, and he had Sara on the side. That was his first lie. Eventually, Hhe and sara became really close. and, no big news after that. A copule of months went buy, and prom came. After that, graduation. From the sparse phone conversations we had, I found out that he became her first.

When I saw her again, which was in Thanksgiving of 2002, he was already overseas, and he was constantly calling her. She was distressed, I could tell, and it came as no surprise to me when she broke up with him. She started seeing someone else- David- off the rebound. Later on she tells me that he steals from her and she can't really trust him, but she is still with him, from what Carlo tells me. Yes-- this is concurrent to her tryst with Richard.

So, we're now at November 8, 2003, and I just found out to what extent she's hooke on Richard. Carlo is so pissed off. I'm just so sad for her right now. I'm not mad at her. Well, I'm pissed off that she did that she told me she was coming and she did not, because I could have gone up this weekend to P-cola, but I'm more concerned for her. I desperately want to fix her, but I know I'd have to be there for her for more than a weekend. In fact, I think she's leaving tomorrow, so I have less than 24 hours.

I'm sure Brigette will compare my rfriendship with Sara to that with Lavell's. The thing is, Sara's never had betrayed me. I know she's lying to me, but she thinks its in my best interests. Lavell betrayed me in feeling. Through what he voiced as his "perception" to Mary, he believes I'm cold, caustic, and uncaring. Sobeit. If you think that way, what'll prevent me from being that way to you now? Is it my duty to prove him wrong?

I don't need inconstant friends like this. Both Sara and Lavell. But, I cannot abandon Sara, especially when she's most at need right now of some counseling. I have always played this role of therapist. It's a wonder as to why I didn't want to take up psycology.

LET THE GATOR GROWL! Gator Growl was just awesome. The comedians were funny, the music was awesome, everything was great! I recruited Devin at the last minute to take Sara's ticket, sinc she didn't show up. Devin proved to be a good companion. Kari also came along, and hanging w/ her was also nice.


Sara didn't show up today, and I'm pretty sure Brigette will hold that against her when they meet. Why can't ppl just get along?

Sara's headlight went out, so she has to get it replaced. She'll do that tomorrow morning, and she'll definitely show up tomorrow. I was considering getting football tix for the two of us, but I'm pretty sure that she'd arrive too late for it. Anyway, we can go for lunch and walk around the mall, etc.

I love mornings where there is nothing to do. I think it gives the mind most clarity. You just wake up, and you don't think about what you have to do just yet (since there is nothing to do), so you just take in your senses. The sunlight peers in through the window, bringing in full brightness to your former state of dark dormancy. I look forward to that every morning.

So, now I'm fully awake. Here's what I have to do: laundry, cleaning, call Sara and find out what time she'll get here, study, watch AMC. It looks good enough, but let's see what actually happens.

I'll keep ya posted.

Spurs v. Lakers

double OT, and we lost... but what an awesome game! I did not expect the Spurs to do so well, especially with two starters on the injured list and a roster with non-superstar names. But we led most of the time, against all-star players nonetheless, and we kept it to double overtime. We'll see how things go next month when Tim and Parker will be playing. What a game that will be!

And, Kobe Bryant-- possible San Antonio Spur. The announcers said that he might come because his contract ends this year. Although I don't really like him, I would like for him to be wearing a Spurs jersey (rather than any other jersey). But, wouldn't he be in some state penitentary by next season anyway? I don't want to condemn him; I just want to see him get what he deserves.

Something totally unrelated to basketball- I saw a commercial advertising a game. This game puts you in the middle of WWII against Hitler and the Japanese and other Axis powers. This is sick. Who developed such a game? Did these WWII fighters not fight and die just so that their children and their children's children would not have to experience something like this? And, for their efforts to be trivialized, boxed, and sold at $30 in Walmart is just not right. What next? A game about the September 11th hijacking? "In a war against Osama Bin Laden, stop those Muslim terrorists from hitting the White House." It is simply deplorable. IF this would benefit Holocaust victims or some WWII veterans, I guess it would be justified. But, the fact that they made a video game-- ENTERTAINMENT -- out of a very serious war wherein millions suffered is just not sitting well with me at the moment.

Dear Sara

Sara, what happened to you? I don't know how to begin, but I know what you're doing has to end. Everything you're up to, everything that's causing you pain-- just let go of it. It may seem drastic, but aren't you involved in much worse right now? Do you know how much you hurt your loved ones, who care for you and love you so dearly it makes them suffer to see you subject yourself to this? Richard has hurt you before, and this time around he could do more damage than a broken heart. I know, it may be easier to confide in people who don't care so much about you, but tell your friends and your family. They aren't as weak as you think. They will be the ones that'll help you through this. They will be the ones who make you a better and stronger person, because we only want what's best for you. Right now, what you are doing to yourself is not good. I want to telll you that much. I will always love you, Sara, even though we may grow apart. You should know you can always come to me, even though I may seem like a distant memory or you may think I don't care. I'll always care. Please take care of yourself, and please let those who love you take care of you.

So, my Kuya Jay wakes me up with a text message at 7 in the morning. Of all things, it was a chain text message! I would have shot him if he were in the US. He's gotta be gay, I swear. Not that it's a bad thing, I think it's funny. I have a gay cousin. ^_^ cool.

So, we took apart a toy car in my class today. It was a nice aberration from normal design class wherein I would slowly drift off to the land of dreams after 20 minutes of lecture. Mind you, this is 8:30 in the morning. Wow, imagine when i'm taking 7:25 Thermo next semester. What a nightmare that class will be.

Rudy was more talkative than usual today, which is a good thing. He's just so cute! ^_^

In volunteering I had nothing to do. Not unusual, just boring. At least I got some calculus problems done (about 3, very sad).

Mary informed me when we met for lunch how she and Simon got together around 1 am. Tooo funny. She's crazy!

I did not use the computer all yesterday-- it's a part of the 12-step plan. just kidding, just kidding. =P

Anyway, Lavell gave me a cd for my b-day.... very nice, and I appreciate it. Frankly, I don't know how he puts up with me.

I'm eager to finish Sense and Sensibility or watch All My Children right now, but i must do physics. I'll do it... right after I finish my taco. =)

I ended up going to the salsa music meeting, and our music selection is soo off the chain. ^_^ Kathryn, the girl whose apartment we went to, had a dog that kept wanting to hump my leg. eww...

Classes were nothing really to note. I was late to calc class because I woke up at 8:41. Not positive, but at least nothing was going on. I wonder how I'll be able to handle a 7:30 class next semester.

I'll be going to an official social dance meeting later to discuss possible salsa music. It was supposed to be at 7:30 tonight, but the girl didn't call me. I wonder if that means the meeting is canceled. And, if it is, I can eat the fried rice I made! Yay.

I'm going to do calc homework now (hopefully).

chalk up another reason for staying within one's culture:

I'll give you one guess as to whom this blog is dedicated. He is revolting, absolutely horrible. Am I being cold to him again? I hadn't noticed. I had noticed though that he no longer makes an effort to reach out to me, which is by definition cold, is it not? I admit I did yell at him for calling me about homework solutions. He wasn't supposed to be asking me in the first place, but to then try to tell me that I should be doing something differently (when i knew i was going about it the right way), well... I went off. but , the next day i was kind. Does that negate things? I showed him what I did, and I was nice. But since then he had not said one word to me. NOT ONE WORD.

The next thing I hear, Brigette tells me that he told her that I've been cold to him. Now, how is the subject brought up? Either Grace told him, which would be like her; Brigette told him, and I could see her doing that also; or, Mary told him, which I could see happening as well. OR~ I'm just being paranoid, which could just be the case.

And, I admit right here, right now, in front of everyone in the world-- this is my excuse for brushing him off. I'd rather take this and run with it than listen to other people's reasonings. Why? Because I just can't stand him anymore, that's why. The thing is, I can go and say, i've tried and tried. Has he? I think he has. I just don't like him. Get ready for the revelation-- I think I didn't like him from the beginning. It was so long ago I hardly remember. But if I never liked him, why else would I have gone out of my way to cook, and to get him the nice b-day and Christmas present? WHat happened was that I got hung up in that he didn't respect me. Who was the one to make amends the first time-- me! why should I care now, again? A year ago i wanted us to be friends again. A year ago I was foolish. Perhaps I've become even more foolish??

I think I've taken a turn for the worse. Is it me to be this way? I say "oh my god" all the time now without feeling a thing. I am in desperate need of a reconciliation, and these things i'll confess:

1. I have not gone in nearly two years
2. I get frustrated to my mother
3. I lied to my parents
4. I'm vindictive
5. I went to a psychic
6. I am, to an extent, taking the psychic's words to heart
7. I take the Lord's name in vain (my tongue should be cut off)
8. I need to focus more on my studies rather than my own selfishness
9. I need to stop worrying about my weight
10. I am an unfair person to Lavell
11. I let my singing talent fall by the wayside
12. I have not prayed in a while
13. I get defensive easily and retaliate too quickly and harshly

God is testing me right now, more than I ever have been before, I think. How else could all this drama in the last month be what it is? I won't falter, because I know He's with me always, even though it may not seem that way.

***
God, I'm sorry for my sins. I am sorry for everything that I listed above. I wish I could just turn myself into a better person, but I feel like this world demands of me someone different. I need you now more than ever. Open my heart, open my eyes. Let me see what's going on, because I hardly know who I am now. My head swims in dark thoughts, and my mind is bogged down with materialism and selfishness. I need a fresh start, and what a better way than a birthday? Lord, you have given me countless chances for inspiration, but it never seems to last for me. I don't know that I'm learning what you are teaching. I grasp it for an evanescent second, only to settle all too readily back into my life and old habits. I know You are with me too. You are the reason I feel the shame for my actions. You are the reason I feel anything at all, but, I'm slowly going numb. I need You. Please help me see my way through the turbulence. Help me arise from this a stronger person. Help me to let go of my sins and the sins of others. And, make me see people as Your perfect creations. All I see right now are flaws. And not only do I see... I broadcast. Sew my lips shut if you have to, but forgive me, and help me see a better side of myself. Amen.
***

What a birthday, that's all it comes down to.

I ended up going to Sky nightclub on friday night with Mary. It wasn't that great. the DJ absolutely sucked. Mary looked like a skanky secretary though! Too funny. I didn't dress up. Anyway, Mary and I get out of the club, and the car is gone. It got towed, and I had to pay $73 to get it back-- great way to start out the b-day. Thanks to Michael, Simon, and Mary for being sympathetic. =(

My parents, sis, and lola came around noon, so I went to Red Lobster w/ them. It was so great to see all of them. And, I felt so bad to be showered with all the gifts that they gave me. I specifically said no gifts, considering how much I spent the last few weeks (along with the $73 towing!). Gotta love my parents for that, but at the same point I feel like an inadequate (dare I say, bad) daughter. I definitely need to find some sort of research job for the spring.

So, I had a plan for the roomies and some good friends to go to olive garden. At the last minute my two roomies Johnae and Adriane bailed out on me, and that's what it comes down to. That hurt my feelings, since I did want them there. Johnae claimed to have godparents come over, and I know she didn't. Adriane said she was going to Jacksonville, and I know she didn't. Why do they have to be so round about? That pisses me off. I truly can't wait until it's just Brigette and me.

Johnae is especially pissing me off. Not her really, just the way she is. She is nice and everything, and she was there when I really needed her, but right away when everything got back to normal she's not there. She acts as if she's a total stranger to me. I don't see her contributing to 302 like she should be. She doesn't take out the trash, she's hardly social with us unless she has to be.

I do like Adriane, and I really don't have anything against her. She's the one whom I feel contributes most out of any of us. I just wish she came to dinner, that's all.

The dinner turned out great! My parents love my friends, and it was just so nice to have them there. I got wonderful presents, and I kept getting phone calls from other friends. And, I had wonderful AIM messages. ^_^

Now that I'm nineteen, I feel that I need something exciting to happen within this next year. More than just college or moving to an apartment.