I'm anything but Cinderella

No sooner than I had claimed to be cold-turkeying it do I go and tell his close friend how I adore him... him, not the friend. Although, after this experience I very much adore you too, mr. fairy godmother. All you're missing is the magic wand! How will I ever repay you for your kindness??

Ding-dong, let's ring the wedding bells!! Now, it's all a matter of time, and I want all of your children named after me! After all, I have many names. =P The evil stepsisters only have their interests at heart, and they have the cutest wedding photo for the two of you. You can't resist it anymore.

I've been there before, and that life's a bore. So full of the superficial.
[[Oh! so that's what she's saying!!!!! it all makes sense now.]]
Some people want it all, but I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby, If I ain't got you, baby

Fairytale endings are so sweet...

I happen to like cold turkey

what a horrible euphemism for quitting. I wish I knew the loser who decided saying cold turkey meant quit. I'd ask him why, and then I'd ask him if he ever had cold turkey with ketchup and rice. I'd say... brush it off like dandruff. No one likes dandruff.

Okay, so I do think I need to move on. Put a lid whatever it is that I've opened. Yet like Pandora, I'm compelled to see what's inside, even after I just checked its contents thirty minutes ago.

So, I checked the proverbial box, and I'm convinced there is nothing more I can do but pine and whine and all that other silly girl stuff that I should have outgrown when i was 13. Nothing more. I'd like to think of this as a... dying star, or a dimming lightbulb. slowly fading into a dark void lightyears away. And, no one will miss that light when there's the sun.

Don't get my simile? don't understand the metaphor? I'm trying to make sense of it myself.

Oh... wait a minute now

Received a surprise... somewhat bittersweet. Ironic- definitely.

So, what is the thing I wanted to avoid all day? Work
Who is the one person I want to notice me? keep guessing...

Well, he showed up at my work tonight for dinner. I had told him I would be working Sunday, but maybe it's coincidence that the meeting was scheduled to be Sunday night at the restaurant.

And, it's funny how horoscopes can be vague enough to fit any situation yet profound once a situation is found to fit.

Lesson Learned: When you ask, you do receive

So, I started on the 4.5 hour trip from Pensacola to Gainesville at 11am. It's 10:30 now, and I just got home. Driving home, I must admit that I kept thinking of a way I could get out of having to work tonight.
If everything went out as I planned, I would have been home at 4pm, but I didn't want to go to work because of the mounds of homework due tomorrow, but today

Murphy's law reigned supreme in the worst possible way

Firstly: somewhat expected, traffic was just plain terrible.
Secondly: somewhat foreseen, crossing the I-10 bridge took an hour and a half. Picture it-- hundreds of cars merging onto a one-lane bridge spanning a couple of miles. However, in the amount of time I had wasted on that bridge, I did manage to revamp my cell's phonebook.

Yes. While driving.
Moving on.

Thirdly: totally unexpected and unforeseen, 45 minutes away from Gainesville my drive starts getting a little bumpy. To be on the safe side, I check the tires. They were okay, but the psi was a little low, so a quick call to daddy turns into daddy's rant about a recent Walmart tire rotation done on my car wherein the psi is supposed to be above 30 (Damn Walmart for my misfortunes, soon to be recounted exclusively and uninhibitedly on this blog). Quickly I get distressed, and I think to myself, "okay, just get the tires filled." I spot an air compressor (or whatever those things are called) at the BP gas station, and I get out of my car, and wouldn't you know? I locked the door behind me. And, yes,

the key was still in the ignition.
The car was still running.
fuuuuuuuck.

Still on the phone with daddy dearest, I fill him in, and he becomes even angrier. Then, after he runs out of words to express how deeply upset he is, he gives the phone to my mom, and she continues.
This is the third time I've locked myself out. Stupid. No other word could fit so perfectly. Luckily for me, I'm a AAA member. AAA has bailed me out on my two prior offenses, so I was happy and quick to sing their praises when they said they'd come within an hour to slim jim my car ("definitely within the hour since your car is running," they told me). I told my parents. I called my roommate. I told my boss that I got a flat tire, but I would be there around 8. That was at 6pm.
At 7:30pm, I was still stranded, and

I was crying into a stranger's cell phone

trying to explain how frustrated I was to the AAA representative. My cell phone had been dead thirty minutes.

At 9:30 pm, finally they arrive. They being the oxymoronic savior and demon of my situation whom I hate to love and love to hate. The locksmiths. Without an explaination, apology, or much else, they pop open my car, check my ID, and leave.

I had waited two and a half hours for that two minutes.

My superstitious self is trying to trace back to where I went wrong, and all I can think of is my trying to get out of working, and

God definitely provided me with the most outlandish excuse that nobody would believe

Oh, and my horoscope for today:

Why is it that so few people are able to live up to your expectations right now? Today you might have to face the realization that others may not be as reliable as you had hoped. If you're unprepared to go off on your own, be more cautious about the allies you choose this time. Look at things from a different side. Seeing a situation from the other person's vantage point may help you be less critical. Tonight, expect a sweet surprise from your best pal or lover.

I'm still waiting for that sweet surprise. Thirty minutes are now left in the day... anyone up for it??

I didn't think so.

a reason to give thanks

the leaner did not call... =)

did not send out the email i said I would. I am reconsidering it, because a very close friend is telling me i shouldn't. What should I do?

answer: go shopping! Yay for after-thanksgiving sales.

Something different

How many times have I promised change on this blog and have failed to follow through? Not many times. This blog has allowed me to be free, and it has allowed me to look at myself and laugh. For instance, I look at my posts from two years ago and find it amusing to think that I could be so angry, trivial, pensive, insightful, and stupid... all in one post.

I've always felt comfortable putting words to paper, or in this case, typing out what I feel. I feel infinitely more articulate at expressing myself through this medium than any other form of communication. For example... how many big words (words with more than 5 letters) did I just use in that last sentence alone? I count seven. My tongue would have twisted after three.

So, here it is: my big plan. I am going to email him, and let it all out. Well, not all of it, but my feelings will no longer be confined to close friends and complete strangers that happen to peruse my blog on given days. I have an idea of what to say, but I have no idea what his email is. That may present a problem, but I'm determined to send this email.

This is an older, wiser Amanda who has lived two decades now. I've lived life passively, and on occassion things trickle down that make me happy, but for the most part I'm dissatisfied that not more things have come my way. But, I see now that I should change it up. I should make things happen rather than let things happen. I don't know how much longer I can live in the passenger's seat when I my future requires someone driven. It irritates me that I have known this all along and still have not acted on it.

So, this somewhat foolish attempt at taking charge is a monumental step of assertiveness for me. The success of this email (his reciprocation of my feelings) would not affect any future assertive actions on my part. Rather, his response will encourage me to continue on this track, because it gives me results. Sure, it is forced, but knowing is better than speculating. At least, that's what I'm projecting.

Besides, I'm cute. How could he not like me? =)

Shit...

Today I stepped onto the scale, with other people in the room. I got a physical assessment done. I lost 15 pounds since last year. I don't usually curse, but... dang. I didn't realize I lost that much. I have Devin to thank. It was his wise words that modeled my whole dietary regiment: "You won't gain weight if you crap it all out." But... 15 pounds is alot of bowel movements.

Okay, how did my blog come to this. Nasty coprolalic talk. Enough. Moving on.

Kenny, if you take care of the Leaner, you will be the most awesome person I know.

I will bake you a cake every day, and I will name all my future children after you.

Not promising

My Horoscope for today:

A conflict may turn unexpectedly ugly. Try to de-escalate. Lower the stakes.

It's time to bring closure to a certain relationship issue you've been anguishing over. There's no time to mope. Do what you've got to do and move on. It's time, and you know it.

The dreamer inside of you finally realizes that it's time to face up to reality. Besides, what is the point of wasting these next days waiting for events that will never happen? By forcing the issue, you could be stuck with something worse. If you must lead with your head, be sure to wear a padded helmet. Your competitors might have gear that is newer and more high-tech than yours, but you have the leading edge when it comes to brainpower.

----

I don't like the sound of this.

Ron Artest

Quoting Sir Charles, you had the right to beat the hell out of anyone who is stupid enough to pick a fight with you. Come on now... REALLY... where does that puny white guy with glasses go off thinking he can take on the Defensive Player of the Year? I want to know why this person, who disrespected the NBA player in the first place, is being protected by the NBA now.

But then again, I feel a bit weird coming to the defense of a person who was getting paid millions to play a two-hour game. Plus, he's not a Spur (but then again, no spur would do that). I'm just upset that Artest got punished to the extreme and that other person got nothing.

One thing I'd only admit on this blog

Okay, maybe not, but we'll see...

Owen, you were right. Can you believe? Right now I revel in it, but I am scared too that I might do something that might lead people on. Anonymity, although irritating, was so much more manageable.

Where do these people come from?! I do realize I carry a bit of appeal, but this much? Maybe I've got a big head from the whole thing =P Most likely.

I'm the sexy chica right now.

Coincidental things are so funny

I found ten dollars in my pocket yesterday, so I thought to myself in church, "if this preacher does not talk about money during the homily today, I'm going to give all of my $10 in tithing." Suprisingly, he did not talk about money (except for once, but I decided to not let it irk me), and I contributed all of my $10. So, I worked today... guess how much I got back in tips? I swear it's some karmic cycle that I should always have some amount of money with me at one time. It reminds me of that one Seinfeld episode where he kept getting $20 back.

I feel like I'm falling into some upcoming drama at work. Practically everyone knows now how i've been without, and I'm sure they want to see who can fix me up the fastest. Even one of the customers tonight wanted to play matchmaker. Talk about your akward moments. Thank the pilgrims and native americans for thanksgiving so I won't have to worry about it for another week.

Here are a few quickies:
So, no work was done this weekend. Typical, and extremely disturbing. what's wrong with me?
Proud to be a Gator for once
Not proud of dismal game against toronto. Duncan, what happened??
Ready to be bold ^.~ well... almost.

It's been one week

One week since DTJ, and where am I now? sitting in my room ignoring Kaplan stuff and watching the UF/FSU game.

Maybe I thought it was much more than it was, and I expected more from it than I should have. Or, rather, I expected more from certain people than I should have. But, one good thing came from it-- everyone knows who I am now. =)

But, now I must make my reasons for giving thanks this Thursday. Yes, it's Saturday, but I figure it'll be a very long list, so I'll start now.

+UF beat FSU this year (ending an FSU streak since '86).
+true friends
+new friends
+old friends
+a decisive election (where my candidate won!)
+my job
+the guys that make going to work worthwhile... ::sigh::
+acquaintances
+my family's safety and well-being
+good times
+bad time that make me appreciate the good times
+my own safety and well-being.

enough for now. will watch the rest of this outstanding Gator football game.

post-work thoughts

The hair looked good
I looked good
Rockin' a black top
and subtle-yet-scandalous denim skirt
Did you notice?
Doesn't matter...
heads turned regardless =p

Work was untolerable, knowing that I could have been out that Friday with the leaner. He could have been leaning on me last night. And just when I was ready to cry myself to sleep for being alone and forgotten, the cell rang, and to hear his playful and inviting voice made heart overflowed with happiness.***

***Trying to attempt written sarcasm. How did I do?

Basketball was on in the sushi bar. They asked me why I liked the spurs so much. I told them Ginobili was my husband. ::wink, nudge::

horoscope mystery solved... major disappointment

It's the leaner. He called me up, and said "I just wanna spend time with you." And to think I was afraid he could tell by my body motion last Monday that I didn't want to be near him...

However, he also called. He who makes me all giddy and annoyingly gushy. He wanted his mic back. oh. right.

of course, he wouldn't call me up for no reason, but the leaner would.

Well, that's no surprise...

My Horoscope today: A certain someone has been thinking about you nonstop since your last meeting, which really isn't all that hard to believe. Who could ever resist you when you turn that seductive gaze their way?

I'd be surprise if it were D----, but then again, that would be unlikely wouldn't it? =P

I'm extremely excited about next week. Thanksgiving! Yes! Lunch with the family, and dinner with... strangers? Mother will be working Thanksgiving evening, so we'll have a Thanksgiving lunch. And, I'll have dinner with one of my best friends from Pensacola, and his girlfriend's family. I don't quite know what to make of it. But, Carlo loves An! yay, that's something to be thankful about. What do Vietnamese ppl eat for Thanksgiving, anyway? One thing I can count on: rice, yummy!

Another thing: After-Thanksgiving sales in Alabama! Hey ya! I love outlet malls, buying new clothes, and getting good deals. Good times are surely to come.

This weekend: unhappiness. working three nights in a row will surely give me more money to spend next friday, but it's the fact that I'll be working friday, saturday, and sunday night. bleeeehhh... Three nights of saying, "Szechuan Panda, how may I help you?" into the phone. Three nights of "mi corazon" from the cooks in the back (mex. cooks in a chinese restaurant... go fig). Three nights of coming home smelling like Chinese food.

But, what happened yesterday night? I had an open notes test which took 3 hours to finish. Not good. I had not slept all day yesterday, so I fell asleep watching the Spurs game. I couldn't go out with my paramour Keith and his friend Brian... very unfortunate. Hopefully they fared well in my absence. I didn't go to the party yesterday night-- crazy filipino college kids celebrating what a success DTJ was. Sure, he was there, but I am learning how to remain unbothered by it. I'm getting better, but still a long way from normal.

2008: vote for a ghettofabulous America

Continuing with my campaign for a President Puffy come 2008, I've been thinking of what we would call him if he were elected. Here are a few thoughts:

Prezzy Dizzle, fo shizzle...

the First Bad Boy

America's Daddy

Sean "Prezididdydent" Combs

Okay, I think I've said about enough for now. back to this studying thing....

maroon 5 and john mayer turn me on

Their voices alone are distractions. How am I ever supposed to get studying done at 4am?

"I know I don't know you, but I want you so bad"

Stick to the book

That's what i need to do. I need to forget everything else. Heat Transfer is important.

Oooh... Cheaters is on.

Friends, old and new

With all the people I know here in Gainesville, there are few real friends whom I can totally relate to and tell anything. I'm happy to even claim to have a few, considering it takes me a while to trust people completely. And last night, a friend came through for me in a way I never expected, and I am so grateful for that hour-long chat on AIM that straightened out lots of things for me.

When I was chatting with my friend, the one thing he would tell me over and over was

You have nothing to lose in taking a chance

and I would respond with

lol... i don't know

but rest assured, friend, that your words have sunken in. One thing comes to mind when I think about a certain thing now, and that's of a similar situation in my freshman year of high school in SA. I was not bold, and I ended up missing out.

It seems as if I remain passive this time around, history might just repeat itself

A bandaid may have finally been put on an old friendship that I thought was unsalvagable. A friend and I are on speaking terms again, and if this friend matured between then and now, nothing but good things would come about.
And, I was able to chat with two friends from the past.

After 5 years and 3000 or so miles I could still pick up as if we had had lunch together just yesterday. Their happiness made me happy, and their words made me smile.

I miss them both, and all my other all-but-forgotten friends. And, it's so funny to think that they've actually aged 5 years, because I keep thinking that they are the same as they were when I moved away.

this is all so vexing!

Stupid blog deleted my last post. grrr....

I need a man... with a plan... that can... hmmmmmm.

Working three nights in a row. how depressing is that?

Thursday will be the highlight of my week. Lasagna and Spurs: can it get any better? Oh, yes it can!

I thought we were cool, but then you started leaning in... wtf? back off the personal space, and please don't scuff the Tims.

Broke my nail in bowling. owwiees.

Dropping it like it's hot: orgo, that is. how pathetic =(

the bad mood was so 4 hours ago

I'm not feeling so disgusted with the world as I used to. Thank horoscopes for inciting hope and some useful advice.

Scorpio:
Sometimes, everything hits the fan at once. Fortunately, you're ready for anything.

After all that fire, passion and playfulness, you need to get back to business -- but just for a little while. You can get a lot done in a very short amount of time if you apply yourself. Then? More fun!

Getting out of the doldrums is easier than it seems. All you have to do is go and see all your pals and how much they missed -- that will yank you out of a humdrum mood faster than anything else. Everyone is glad to see you with your special spark reignited. Draw some positive energy from all those smiling faces that come into view. Trust that you are beloved. The world shows you its smiling side.

Sunday pains, the late night edition

So, I thought it would get better from my last post, but it didn't. My feet, I mean. Everything I expected to go downhill, but I didn't realize that what awaited me downhill was the edge of a cliff that would send me hurtling into some dark abyss of confusion and misery, and I won't be able to see any outcome until after Thursday.

The job sucked today. I hate money... and painful Payless pointy-toed shoes. The only thing that made that night worthwhile was the paycheck and tips. Oh, and also the people who complimented me on those evil shoes, or on my unstellar performance last night. Whatever.

And, then I tried to look to a friend for guidance and ended up short-changed. After how far I've put myself out there for you, you can't budge a little for me?

And, this stupid boy has gotten into my head like a worm into an apple, just working it's way through and leaving a hole and fecal trail in its wake. IE, my mind is filled w/ meaningless crap, and the hole in my head has made me incapable of any rational thought. Why does so-and-so matter so much? good-for-nothing fuckwit. can't stand anymore of this.

Now here I am, 2 AM with an angry blog, and a big incomplete on my to-do list. How will I ever work my way out of this one?

Sunday pains

So, from Thursday night to early Sunday morning, it has been

parties and everything non-academic.

What an awesome time I had, and now homework nags at me like a spouse I'd want to divorce. My song was messed up by the music crew, who felt it necessary to have the background music so much louder than what I sang into the mic. Oh yeah, and I screeched the "You'll find all you'll ever need to know." Ahhhh, NOOOO!!! but, still everyone came up to me afterwards and was like

you are good

in an impressed (and non-sympathetic) tone of voice. I like compliments so much more when they're non-sympathy induced. =)

I was the queen of sweet and innocent hotness.

I was so hot, ice became steam when I came near.

And, I [heart] my guys~

they are simply fabulous!

But, I am sad to say the one guy I wanted to dance with was not on the floor. -_-

So, 5p-2a at the palace where I walked and danced in 4in. high heels... i was nearly crippled when I got home. But, on an optimistic note, my calves look

awesome!

Lastly, that guy... I dare say he likes me. Subtle hints tell me so, but I'm a little more standoffish now because of new evidence that has recently fallen into my lap. We'll see what goes on.

ABE lab and Bio Lab... you will

not

be ignored today.

Sexiness at the palace, 13nov

Just came back from practicing "the voice within" with Merfil, and i have to admit, I am gooooood. And, I'll be hott in that shirt I bought with my roommate. =) Unfortunately, I'd have to be out of my mind to wear it in public. Thank Jack Daniels there are ways to attain that state of mind.

This is my thank you speech once I win that talent show:

Merfil- my voice coach, you are awesome, and I would have never been able to find my voice without you.

Brigette- thank you for being so supportive, from freshman year to now.

Dan- if it weren't for you I wouldn't be here. Thank you for all your encouragement!

Lawrence and Gen- You guys are amazing and extremely kind to endure my screechings and still smile.

---

Considering I'm up against dance groups and singing groups, I doubt a solo act will win, but it's better to be prepared, don't you think?

The internet: the newest form of stalking...

I am falling for this boy, and do you know to what extents I will go to find out more about him? I will search xanga until I find his journal. I will save his screen name on my buddy list and read his profile when he goes online. And, I will google his name and see what links come up.

So far I've done two out of three... I'll google him after I write this post. But, the question is why. Why would I be so pathetic on a Thursday night? Why don't I just ask him? Why do I go through these phases where I totally fall for a guy, and then after a while just don't care?

Anyone who knows me well enough knows the answer-- shyness, naivete... and possible mental illness.

What is it that incites these feelings that borderline obsession? Maybe his big hair and elvis sideburns, his goofy confidence, or his questionable sincerity and facade of being the all-around good guy. I've always had a thing for confident people. You know how they say girls base their choice of guys on their father? Minus the hair-do, this guy seems eerily similar to my dad. Scarily similar. oh boy.

I need to get a life.

blah blah blah says the talking heads in the tv box

It's not enough that Bush won, but they must breakdown and analyze who voted for him, who voted against him, who will be running in 2008, and what downfall he'll face as a second-term president in 2006. Are any of these things relevent now? They seem to talk more about these things rather than what he will set out to do, or what he is doing right now. I'm glad that he got voted in, but this was all sooo last Wednesday. It's Sunday. Get over it.

They're also showing all these hollywood liberals protesting the election. Your state went to Kerry as it is. Move to Florida or Ohio and try to make a difference there, b/c you're doing nothing in Cali.

I'm going to start the P. Diddy for President campaign for 2008. That will definitely get the youth vote out there. =)

Saturday night

I just wanted to kinda document how long it takes me to finish my autocad assignment on campus. Yes-- on campus on a Saturday night. Maybe everyone's right--- I need a boyfriend.

Anyway, it's fifteen after eight right now, and I arrived here around 8. I've been trying to fix my headphones to the CD so I could listen to my fave internet radio station, but my headphones are doing that thing where it only plays music in one ear. Very Irritating.

8:50 pm: Found out how to do something in AutoCad, but for the most part got nothing done... was IMing Mike, and he invited me to eat sushi with him! Yay for Pc-cola buddies! I'm soo gone from this computer lab. So much for getting homework done =P

10:30 pm: back at the Architecture lab... =(

11:30 pm: Did not make much improvement on my autocad lab, but les and charlie are reuniting next weekend! AIM is a great diversion from Autocad =P She tried giving me advice, because she's concerned that I don't have one yet. I appreciate everyone taking a vested interest in my non-existant love life, but it's a wasted effort. She said the guys are just intimidated by my goals; I think I'm too-damned naive when it comes to these things... bleh. Back to autocad: this thing is no joke.

1:00 am: it's not so much that I've been here for 2 hours with minimal accomplishments as it is that i'm freezing my butt off by sitting in in this computer lab. I bet you it's warmer outside than it is in here. I'm going home!

For my Birthday, I got a free bus ride...

The bus driver took pity on me that I was riding the bus at 7 pm. v. sad

Went out two Thursdays in a row... Can we say three-peat?

I tried to go crazy before losing my teenage status... no one wanted to go crazy with me. Oh well. Twenty years of not going crazy is an accomplishment, right?

A John Kerry moment: I love my roommate! She she got me a Spurs birthday cake! and, she bought me a size 3 skirt... and I fit it! I am sooooo gonna win that talent show on the 13th... or, at least I would if talent = cuteness. ~.^

Should I be a fighter, or should I follow the voice within? hmmmm... Can't decide yet what to sing.

Mailed in my ballot today. Go Bush and Dick. Yeeehaaah!